So I'm sitting there...

in my first gay bar... and I'm not even sure I'm gay...

Just looking around... having a drink

It is early or I remember it as early... anyway the bar was kind of empty... not too many people... and I've always been shy in bars, (it was the old saying, "Men dont't make passes at boys in glasses" or is it that with all that music I don't hear what people are saying that well).

regardless, if I'm at a bar and not drinking with a group of friends, you can usually find me in a corner playing pinball machine or reading the local gay rags....

Anyway, this night, my first night, I'm sitting at the bar... having a couple of beers... just looking around...

some guy sits down next to me, starts some small talk. He asks me if I'm gay... and my reply is ... That's what I'm here to find out

so one thing leads to another... and we eventually decide to go back to his place...

It was walking distance... in fact was one of those walk-up hotels at the end of Polk Street

One of those hotels that you pay by the week or month, but they won't let you stay for more than a month in the same room because that gives you some kind of rights, - so you have to move overy 30 days - anyway no guests allowed after 10 pm - so he had to sneak me in

the plan was - He would leave me at the side door, go in, go up to his room then come back the side stairs, and then let me in the side door... so off he goes...

Imagine - my first time, " I'm going to have sex with a guy " - and it is this seedy little hotel - where I have to wait outside - and he has to sneak me inside...

I'm nervous - I'm nervous as hell (hell I'm nervous, just writing this, cause I know what is going to happen next)

anyway, I'm waiting, and waiting, wondering if I've just been dumped (that boys in glasses thing) Wondering if I want to even do this... wondering if God really hates gay people, but he cant' because I might be gay, and I know God loves me....

after all I was a good Christian boy, I went to church every Sunday & Wednesday, I went to Youth Church every Monday, I sang in the Choir, I mowed the Church lawn every Saturday, I did outreach to seniors in convelesecnt hospitals. All my friends were good christians, I did all the things that you were supposed to do...

anyway, I'm standing on the sidewalk, in a seedy part of town, outside some hotel and I'm waiting for some guy to sneak me in...

Cars are driving by, I'm standing there nervous as hell, I need to pee, (beer from the bar) I'm about to have sex with a guy for the first time....

and

a

van

pulls up...


...

a white van ....


some baptist outreach van...


Lights on, posters all over the van, Loud speakers on top, spot lights get turned on and are all angled on me...

" JESUS SAVES " - " REPENT " - ETC. ETC.

Deer in the headlights -

dumbfounded -

I peed my pants - yes I did - I peed my pants right there on the sidewalk on Polk street - the guy comes out of the hotel just as the people in the van are about to get out and drags me in the hotel.. and rushes me up to his room

he saw what happened - so he is very understanding - we wash out my clothes in his little sink in his room - as you might guess... I'm no longer in the mood

but my clothes are now drying over his radiator... so we lie on his bed and he just holds me...

I decide to go home, and come back to " shangri-la " another day

but that's another story